Our loved ones......

My father-in-law was hospitalised suddenly yesterday. We were told by the docs that his intestines might have ruptured and what is the worst scenario we could expect. A surgery was inevitable. Like all surgeries, it has its risks...... We were worried sick, but there was nothing much we could do except to pray and hope for the best. Luckily, the operation was a success and hopefully my father-in-law could recover without any complications.

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While in the hospital this afternoon, I received a shocking news from my colleague. One of my ex-pupils' mother had passed away yesterday. She had three wonderful girls. I have the privilege to teach two of the girls and though the youngest one was not taught by me, I know her quite well too, as she loves to tag along with her two older siblings when they came to my house. Nancy(the parent) was one of the nicest parents whom I have met. Beautiful lady with great love for her family. She listened to teachers' opinions and really cared about her children's studies as well as well-being......

I rushed down from SGH upon hearing the news. I know the family quite well and would like to pay my last respect to her. I was afraid that I might break down in front of the girls. I did not know what to say, for I know whatever I said could not make up for the sudden lost. I wanted to hug the youngest girl, she looked okay and was strong for her age. However, I am afraid that might trigger off an avalanche of emotions......

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When I was 13, my grandmother fell and hurt herself while she was having a shower. Nobody knew about this until hours later when she did not turn up for dinner at my house. She was hospitalised and within two days she passed away. She was closest to me and doted on me. But I was not there when she left. I was in school. Nobody told me about her death until she was all sealed up in the coffin. I did not have a chance to say goodbye. I remembered clearly the "numbness" I felt. Everything seemed so unreal. I looked brave in front of others for I believed that was what my grandma would want me to be - brave, but at night when everyone fell asleep, I would cried myself to sleep.

After the funeral, when everything settled down, I felt as if a big part of me was gone. The smiling face that used to greet me when I woke up was no longer there. The hot coffee that greeted me every morning was no longer the same(since then I do not drink coffee anymore).I could not forgive myself. I blamed myself for not spending more time with my grandma. Everyday, I sang the song "The end of the world" again and again. To me, it really felt like the end of the world then. The song somehow made me feel better. It was a way for me to say "Ah ma, I really missed you, I am sorry for not being there when you needed me" without making my parents worried about me. It took me quite a number of years to get over the sudden lost of my grandma.

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I wanted to tell Nancy's girls (if you ever read this), cry if you must, tears are okay. It is not something you should feel ashamed about. It is okay to be sad, to mourn the death of your loved one. Do not bottled up your feelings. Although your mummy is no longer around physically, the love and memories she had created are still here. Remember her teachings, remember her ways, let her continue to live in your heart. In that way, she will always be around. And remember, you would never be alone......